Suzaji’s Blog

“She put down in writing what was in her mind” –Bob Dylan, It’s Not Dark Yet

Where we left off: After six months of communication with no face-to-face cues or physical contact, Billy, the musician I’d never met in person, virtually leaped out of cyberspace and landed on my doorstep. By the time he materialized in the flesh, it felt as if we were old friends, with none of the awkwardness one sometimes feels on a “first date.” After a pleasant evening where I welcomed him into my yoga room and fed him a nourishing vegan dinner, Billy headed off to a local retreat center where he had arranged to stay for four nights.

Part Four described the second day (Tuesday) of Billy’s visit with me in Ojai.  After breakfast at Cafe Emporium, and a walk in Libbey Park, that afternoon, he gave my elderly parents a spectacular piano concert. Part Five continues with Billy’s second day in Ojai . . . and on to Friday, Day Five.

Billy’s piano playing transported my 95-year-0ld mother to a higher realm. She could not believe that “a man of his high status” (as she later described him) was actually in our humble home. She had fallen that morning and bruised her knees, and was lying in  bed, so she could not see him play. But her bedroom is only a few feet away from the piano so she could hear the music perfectly.

After I convinced my mother that the tall man standing by her bed really was the pianist pulling the beautiful music out of her piano, I escorted Billy to meet my father in the back bedroom where he rests most of the day in a hospital bed.

After my father expressed his gratitude for the live music and for making my mother so happy, Billy left the room. Then my dad asked, “How did this big man get here?”

There was no easy way to explain that I’d met Billy on something known as Facebook—a concept virtually unfathomable for my father’s pre-Internet mind to comprehend. He’s never looked at a computer and basically thinks they’re the work of the devil. So I kept it simple and told him that Billy was a professional musician, visiting old friends in Ojai, and that he enjoyed playing music for elderly people.

After promising we’d be back later that week for another performance, I loaded Billy and the dogs back in my van and returned to my house. While Billy took a nap on the floor of the yoga room, I hoofed it over to Rainbow Bridge deli to fetch us a healthy dinner.

It gave me great pleasure to see Billy diving into the baked yellow acorn squash (cut in half and stuffed with walnuts, celery, and cranberries) with a side of brussel sprouts and kale salad. Even if he wasn’t a bonafide vegan, I could see that he enjoyed vegan food (although  I later noticed he got into the cheese that I save for my dogs).

While I cleared the table and washed a few dishes, Billy sat outside on the front porch, in the cool twilight, playing his magical flute—just like I had envisioned during the months of phone conversations. A little later, as the sky grew darker, he came back inside the yoga room. I again showed him how to relax with a bolster under his back to open the chest and heart center, a folded blanket under his head, like a nest for his skull.

Before heading back to his second night at the retreat center, Billy sat in Virasana (Hero Pose) and played another enchanting tune on his flute. He sat very straight and yogic. I was impressed with the prowess of his lungs. It was as if the energy of the God Pan had entered the yoga room, adding magic and merriment to the atmosphere.

I needed to go to bed early as I had to teach the next day.  I again walked him to his car and we hugged good night. He gave me a quick platonic kiss on the lips. We agreed to meet again for breakfast before my mid morning private lesson.

Day Three (Wednesday)

The next morning, Billy’s third day in Ojai, he arrived early to pick me up for breakfast at Farmer & the Cook in Meiners Oaks, a ten-minute drive from my house in downtown Ojai. I suggested that we take two cars because my mid morning private lesson was near Farmer & the Cook. “That way,” I reasoned, “we don’t have to drive back to my house and we’ll have more time to eat and visit.”

“No way, “ he said, “If we run out of time, I’ll take you to your student’s house.”

That sounded like a good idea so I hopped in his car. As I buckled the seatbelt and leaned back in the seat, a funny thing happened. I felt a deep well of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I have no recollection if it was triggered by anything Billy said or did. But it was a familiar anxious feeling —one that I’ve felt many times over the years in the course of romantic relationships.

As he drove, it gradually dawned on me that my uneasiness had something to do with losing control. This was the first time I rode in his car. And, as he himself  pointed out when I told him how I felt, “when you get in someone else’s car you are on their turf, in their space, and at their mercy.”

As he drove through the winding, narrow streets of the park-like neighborhood we Ojaians call the Arbolada, (the scenic backway to Meiners Oaks), the tension I felt increased from his curt response to my driving directions.

When I tried to indicate where to turn, he barked, “Just say left, or say right, or say go straight ahead at the next stop—don’t say anything else.“

In my hyper-sensitive state, his voice sounded authoritative and patronizing. In my eagerness to tell him about my Ojai life, I might have said something like, “Oh, there’s my old high school. We were the last class to graduate before they switched and made this campus the Junior High . . . After that building, turn right.”

Even though it was a short drive, there were moments that I got distracted and forgot that he didn’t know the route. I’d get flustered when I accidentally waited till we got too close to the intersection to say, “Turn  right. “

Or maybe I felt compelled to say something like, “I love how the Arbolada is covered by a canopy of Oaks. . . Oh, now turn right at the next Stop sign.”

You know, the way we women tend to talk to our own kind!

In any case, the whole short drive I felt a familiar tension, one that I’ve experienced with certain men (not all) many times in the distant past.

I was aware of how easily my feelings were hurt and that it had been a very long time since a man had chastised or reprimanded me. I wasn’t used to it anymore!

On the surface,  things were going  well— and I so much wanted them to go well! I tried to release the churning in my guts and relegate it to my own neurosis.

Some readers may think that I’m making much ado about nothing but if you’ve ever lived with a controlling, domineering man, you’ll empathize with my gut reaction.

After we arrived at the Farmer & Cook, and I was back on friendly, familiar ground, I felt my good spirits returning.

As we sat across from each other, talking, sipping organic coffee, eating the very tasty breakfast burrito, absorbing the good Farmer & Cook vibes, I was aware that in spite of the bossiness I felt in the car, I still enjoyed male companionship and said as much. He responded in kind.

When it came time for me to go teach my private lesson, I cleared the table (on week days customers bus their own tables here) and promptly splashed left-over salsa all over my white yoga shirt. My instinct was to run cold water over the orange splotches but Billy instructed with great authority, “run hot water.” So hot water it was–but later, when I got home, I soaked and washed my shirt in cold water and the stains disappeared.

This time when Billy drove there was no tension as I gave directions to my student’s house—maybe a full stomach soothed us both.

When we pulled up into my student’s driveway, she right away noticed the strange man driving the unknown car and stepped out of the house to greet us. I had confided the week before that a man I had befriended on Facebook was coming to Ojai to visit me. She invited him to come out for a few minutes and see her newly landscaped garden. As we admired the lovely design, the bright flowers, as well as  the grand views with an Oak grove below, she plied Billy with friendly questions about his background.

Billy  thoughtfully said he’d pick me up when the lesson was over, even though I’d assured him that my student wouldn’t mind driving me back to town.

Later that week, on several occasions, Billy expressed that he felt that my friends were scrutinizing him. He called one in particular a “sly fox.” I defended my friends’ “snoopiness,” and told him, “Well, I’m sorry if you feel a lack of privacy in this small town but what did you expect? I’m a public person! I’ve lived here sixty years. People know me from yoga, politics, my books . . . and I have a large extended family. The people you’re meeting are my tribe and they’re looking out for me.”

And I also told him, “If I visited you in your hometown, I’d expect your friends to scrutinize me too. And I wouldn’t mind. I have nothing to hide.”

And I thought to myself, “For crying out loud. I’m a woman living alone. Naturally they wonder who is this strange man visiting me. They don’t care if you’re the reincarnation of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart or Ludwig van Beethoven himself. They’re interested in your character and whether or not you care about me . . . ”

That same day, I had another private lesson in the afternoon. By the time I got home, Billy had gone off to meet a friend for dinner. While he was thus occupied, I followed my normal evening routine of roaming the riverbottom with my dogs and eighteen month old granddaughter. It felt good to go about my regular life––I was glad Billy was occupied so I wouldn’t have to concern myself with dinner.

I should add here that earlier Billy had mentioned that the friend he was meeting for dinner was leaving town for a week. He’d mentioned that maybe there was a possibility that when his stay at the retreat center ran out he could stay at his friend’s house while everyone was gone. That would be the perfect solution to the “where will he stay after Thursday” dilemma I saw on the horizon. I crossed my fingers that free accommodations at his friend’s house was how things would play out.

Later that evening, while I did my yoga practice, Billy again played his flute. At that point, it started to feel very relaxed and comfortable having him around. As he was leaving, since he didn’t volunteer any information, I asked, “Will you be staying with your friend who is going on vacation tomorrow?”

“No, “ he replied. “That didn’t work out.”

I recall remembering how prior to coming to Ojai, when we were discussing affordable places where he might stay, he had mentioned that he was willing to sleep in his car.

That was the moment that I weakened and heard myself say that if he hadn’t found another affordable place to stay by Friday that he could stay at my house. As I said this, I set no time limit—the thought didn’t didn’t even cross my mind.

This is what my therapist friend meant when she said in Part One, “Your biggest fear is what you’ll do . . . the anxiety you feel is about YOU . . . that you will act inappropriately . . . ”

I really didn’t even have time to think it through because I was sub teaching early in the morning in addition to  my own classes for the next three days straight. I even told myself that since I wouldn’t be home that much, Billy might as well make use of my house while he explored Ojai and connected with other musicians.

I planned to move my computer and desk work into the yoga room. Then Billy could help me set up the futon frame I stored on my back patio. The guest mattress that I store against a wall fits on the frame—–with his help we’d turn my office into a guest room in an hour.

That was the plan—the flirt in me figured it would kind of be like a long date—I imagined that we’d give each other plenty of space since most mornings I’d be gone by the time he got out of bed.

I also felt confident that I wouldn’t do anything I’d regret.  I didn’t feel any kind of sexual vibe from him. However, at the same time, I enjoyed the close proximity of his male energy—so long as he wasn’t telling me what to do or mansplaining.

Also, I neglected to mention that the second day of his visit he promised to help me fix things—there were loose door hinges, the back gate latch was broken, and he was full of ideas to fix the place up.

Thursday, Day Four

The next day, Thursday, Billy’s fourth day in Ojai, I had to teach back-to-back morning classes so we planned to meet for lunch at Rainbow Bridge around noon. Two of my students, Marie and Jim, both also close friends, joined us. That gave me a chance to sit back and observe their interactions.

Marie and I had to get back to work so we left Billy and Jim bonding over baseball and rock ‘n roll.

When I was free again, I continued with my normal routine of taking my dogs over to my parent’s house. The canines romp in the yard while I babysit the elders and give my younger sister a break.

Upon arriving,  I saw that my mom had risen from her deathbed of two days ago. She was sitting alert in an easy-chair near the piano, wearing one of her colorful sundresses, her white hair neatly combed.

Her oldest great granddaughter, seven-year-old Grace, was drawing on the nearby dining table. Grace takes piano lessons.

When I saw my mom sitting alert near the piano, it came to me in a flash that I should call Billy and see if he would be willing to give another in-house concert. He didn’t take the call but I left a detailed message, explaining the situation.

I called again five minutes later. Still no answer. I tried a third time and this time he picked up.

“You answered!” I said.

“That’s what people usually do,” said Mr. Smarty Pants, oblivious that this was my third try. To his credit, he agreed to come right over and play.

I called my daughter who lives nearby and invited her and my granddaughter to come to the concert. My youngest sister, who sings and plays piano and guitar, was also at the house. So we had a nice audience waiting when Billy arrived.

When I explained to my mother what was about to take place, she looked dubious, like I was pulling her leg. But when Billie planted himself on the piano bench and his amazing fingers sprang into action, once again my mother’s whole demeanor changed. Her posture improved; she sat taller and straighter, her face became animated.

At first she closed her eyes, clasping her hands reverently to her chest. But moments later, as the music grew louder and livelier, she stretched her arms up in the air, high above her head and shouted in Dutch, “Ik will hem trouwen! Ik will hem trouwen!” (I want to marry him! I want to marry him!)

Grace stood close to the piano, watching in awe as Billy’s fingers touched the keyboard. For a long time she stood still, taking it all in. Maggie was swaying on her mother’s lap. She’s naturally cautious and tentative around strange men but after awhile she slid to the floor and began dancing.

I wish we’d videotaped the whole scene!

While the Piano Man played on, I checked on my father and told him how happy my mom was. That gave him peace of mind as he sank back in his hospital bed and enjoyed this second concert.

Billy continued playing. Toward the end he played some dance music and we all danced free style while my mom clapped her hands and looked adoringly at this amazing pianist who dropped out of the sky.

After this stellar performance, we drove our individual cars back to my house. I only spoke with Billy briefly as he had arranged to spend his last evening  at the retreat center  with another friend. I told him that I would be leaving the house early to teach and to be sure to keep the back gate and front door shut tight so the dogs don’t escape. I told him to make himself at home if he arrived before I returned.

Friday, Day Five

The following day, Friday, (Billy’s fifth day in Ojai), when  I came home after yoga, Billy and his car where nowhere in sight but his suitcase, a pair of socks,  a bag of flutes, and various personal items were scattered on the yoga room floor.

I saw that he’d put some dirty clothes in the laundry basket like I had instructed him to do—he didn’t ask me to do his laundry—I offered. It gave me a warm feeling, a feeling of familiarity, to see his T shirt in the basket.

When he returned home he told me about another Ojai musician he befriended who had a good piano he was welcome to use. And that she was introducing him to other musicians. That all sounded good to my ears.

I then started to explain that I wanted to move the futon frame into the house  if he could carry one end. I began to say that I would clear most of my stuff out of the office —but he immediately and forcefully dismissed that idea .

“No way,” he said. I’m not sleeping in there. I’m staying in this room.”

In fairness that might have been because one of my little male dogs had “marked” the rug, but if that was the problem I would have had the carpet shampood or spot cleaned it myself.

Maybe I’m prejudiced but if a woman friend had preferred to sleep in the more spacious yoga room, I’m certain we would have at least discussed it first.  The occasional  overnight guests I’ve had all prefer being able to close the door–there’s mutual understanding that  both host and guest need privacy, especially in close quarters like my small house. Plus, I need my quiet yoga room to practice and fortify myself for teaching.

But the way Billy announced it was like, “I’m sleeping here. End of story.”

There went my peace and quiet and privacy. Only it would take three days to fully grasp this. At the time I offered no resistance. I went right along with the new program.

Minutes after establishing his territory, Billy put a bolster under his head and fell asleep in the middle of the room. To his credit, he had no problem sleeping soundly on the hard floor.

When he woke up, I said he couldn’t just keep all his stuff on the floor—Chico or Benji might pee on it. I cleared three  prop shelves  to stash his stuff. And then, out of some deeply ingrained ancient mothering habit, picked his stuff off the floor and put everything neatly on the shelves. I stopped short of picking up the socks he’d thrown in the corner the night before—I pointed to the socks and joked that he’d failed my first “test.”  He right away picked them up, but, a day later, I noticed another pair on the floor—the “training” didn’t stick.

I cleared a towel rack for his towel. I explained it was best not to leave shoes outside at night or one of the black widows living in the cracks of the wall and under the window sills might take up residence. I reminded him that if he stepped outside at night to be sure to wear shoes and to be careful where he sat in the dark.

A little later, we moved the mattress up against the yoga room wall where it would be easy to flip it on the floor.

At this point in the story the weather was still relatively cool and we were both still on our best behavior.

It’s my nightly routine to do yoga and meditate on the sturdy large cement table built into my back patio. It’s big enough to comfortably hold two people lying side by side with arms spread, and one or two dogs. On hot summer nights, I often sleep there half the night, till the house cools off. This was the Friday night before the Summer Solstice and full moon—an auspicious time to my magical way of thinking. My head was full of hope and curiosity to see how things would unfold. Some things felt a  bit awkward, like to suddenly be sharing a bathroom, but I felt at ease enough to invite Billy outside to relax with me on the table and look up at the stars.

It felt comforting to lie beside him  in the crook of his warm arm, my little dog Benjie nestled beside us, Honey snoozing in the cave like space underneath the stone table.  He identified some of the constellations, and soon we could see the coming full moon peeking bright above the black outline of the branches of the nearby trees. After all those months of listening to Billy’s voice on the phone, somehow this felt right—although it still wasn’t clear to me, or to any of my friends who spoke with him, what his plans or motivations were.

To be continued, Part Six 

“She put down in writing what was in her mind” –Bob Dylan, It’s Not Dark Yet

Where we left off:  After six months of virtual communication, Billy, the musician I’d never met in person, suddenly announced he’d be in Ojai within a week. And sure enough, early Monday morning in the middle of June, a week before the Full Moon and Summer Solstice, he called to say he’d be in Ojai that evening. By that time I’d made it clear, both in writing and over the phone, that he could not stay at my house and that he’d have to be responsible for finding his own accommodations. It still wasn’t clear to me whether he was seeking housing for the summer, possibly with plans to move here, or just coming for a short visit. When he told me that he had a place to stay at one of Ojai’s retreat centers for four days during the week (it was not available on the weekend), I let this slide and didn’t ask, “Where will you stay after that?” I shrugged it off and figured we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.

After teaching my morning yoga class, I put on my domestic goddess apron and went to work cleaning my small abode—I vacuumed all Honey’s dog hairs, no easy task as they kept clogging the promising new Dyson animal vacuum I purchased a few months ago—mopped, scrubbed the toilet, tub, and sink, and threw piles of clutter and paperwork that could easily wait into boxes and stashed everything into the garage. Out of sight. Out of mind. I waltzed over to Rainbow Bridge and bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers to help  make a good first impression, assorted cold drinks, raw vegan “Back to Life” humus, cucumbers, avocados, pixie tangerines, watermelon, coffee,  and a large container of vegetable coconut curry from the deli. I cooked a pot of sprouted organic brown rice, filled up the bird bath, watered the front yard, took a shower, rested in the Goddess Pose, and walked my dogs early in the evening so I’d be free by the time the mystery man arrived.

Three of my closest women friends knew this unknown quantity was coming. They were ready to greet him with one hand on their hip and a pitchfork in the other. “Yes,” one said, “he looks very good on paper. Impressive credentials. Nice public persona. But, until you can smell him in real life, you have no idea what he’s really like.”  Another one said, “Sure, his meditation music is beautiful. That’s why we buy CD’s. You don’t have to get involved with him in order to listen to his music!” 

I assured them I had the situation under control. They recommended I not see him till the next morning and just meet him for coffee, like I would anyone else I’d never met in person before. “You don’t owe him anything, Suza,” one of them said. But, in my mind, having him go straight to his sleeping quarters seemed so unfriendly. I wanted him to feel welcomed. Besides, after six months of virtual communication, I was dying of curiosity.

I didn’t feel the least bit anxious or nervous like I might have been if he had not already told me the story of his life. Plus, the issue of where he would be sleeping that night was settled —so I had no worries about anything awkward, uncomfortable, or inappropriate happening. I basically tried to put myself in the same frame of mind  I would be in if he was an out-of-town yoga student. And he wanted to do yoga so that wasn’t that far-fetched. I felt very much in charge of the situation as he was coming to visit me, on my turf, and, I thought, on my terms.

At 8:30 p.m. my cell phone rang. The screen showed his number so I picked it up. “I’m sitting on your front porch,” announced his familiar booming voice. And sure enough, there he was, as if he’d leaped out of cyberspace and suddenly manifested. My dogs were going nuts, barking like crazy, jumping up against the door. I flung open the entrance to the nunnery, smiled, and welcomed him inside. We gave each other a warm, friendly hug. He was taller and wider than I expected —his presence filled my small, low ceiling yoga room. While he’d metamorphosed a long way from the handsome days of his youth,  by the soft evening light I found his features pleasant. I served him a cold sparkling drink and asked he wanted something to eat—he said he wasn’t hungry yet. So then I did what comes naturally to me. I had him lie down on the floor of my yoga room and showed him how to relax lying back on a yoga bolster. I was thrilled that he willingly took off his shoes and easily sat on the floor in various yoga positions. I saw that he had very flexible legs and hips for a big guy—so the stories he’d told me about doing yoga over the years appeared to be true.

After about twenty minutes of stretching and relaxing together, he fell asleep on the floor—not surprising after driving all day. When he woke up about ten minutes later, I asked if he wanted to have some rice and curry before heading off to the retreat center. This time he said he was hungry—I enjoyed warming up the food, playing hostess,  and serving him. He asked for chop sticks and said the curry was delicious. “This is going great,” I thought to myself.

After he ate, I hinted that it was getting late and time for him to get going. We hugged goodnight and agreed to meet for breakfast. I remember feeling hopeful and happy that this talented, accomplished being had finally come to Ojai to explore our connection in real life.

* * *

The next morning he called to say that he’d be at my house in an hour. Perfect—that gave me time to do yoga and a few morning chores. When he arrived, he wanted to drive to the Cafe Emporium, a 15-minute walk from my house. I was kind of taken aback.  One of the perks of living in the heart of town is leaving the car at home and walking or bicycling everywhere.“No,” I said, “I’m walking. Drive if you like —by the time you park I’ll be there.” That’s when the first conflict and concern reared its head. He explained he had trouble walking . . . of course in my book that’s a sure sign you need to walk more—not less! But, being on his best behavior, he gamely followed me down to the end of the arcade and across the street to the Cafe Emporium. Usually I speed walk but, being also on my best behavior, I politely slowed my stride to a level comfortable for him.

It was very pleasant to be finally sitting face-to-face across the table from the man I’d been virtually communicating with all winter, all spring. Here we were in real life, sipping coffee like normal people, eating a tofu scramble with a side of fruit. Being on his best behavior, he refrained from ordering eggs and bacon. (I used to take for granted that spiritual types are vegetarian but I’ve had to face that for many the definition of “vegetarian” is fuzzy and apparently includes chicken salads, fish, crab, shrimp, and bacon. Some even think that giving up beef loosely qualifies them as “vegetarian.”) I try not to make an issue of eating animals, but, sometimes I tell men that if you want to pour a bucket of cold water on my romantic interest, just order veal or bacon on the menu.

After breakfast we strolled across the street to the Ojai Art Center —he wondered where there might be a good piano he could play, so I suggested that later we’d go over to my parent’s house to the piano my mother has played for decades. We slow walked the back way behind the Art Center over the bridge, into Libbey Park.

That first week Billy was in Ojai, the weather was still cool, adding to the feeling of compatibility between us.  As we wandered under the oaks, I thought to myself, “Well here we are. Two old people meandering through the park, wondering what this is all about—not just our potential relationship but Life in general.”

We sat down on the long cement bench in front of the fountain. I’m used to doing yoga everywhere I go, or at least sitting yoga style. And I always take off my shoes at the first opportunity. So I sat across from Billy —my bare feet near his lap. I thought it was a sweet gesture when he gave me a nice foot massage.

After soaking up the ambience of a cool summer morning in Libbey Park, we slow walked back to my house and relaxed for a few minutes in Legs Up the Wall Pose, just as I normally do throughout the day. In spite of his girth, he seemed to take to yoga like a duck to water. We relaxed together and he reached over and held my hand. I thought to myself, “It’s been five years since a man has held my hand.” It felt like a warm, friendly, affectionate gesture —not prematurely sexual but entirely respectful.

He’d seen photos on Facebook of my students hanging upside down, and over the past months, he’d written, “I can’t wait to be in your torture chamber and hang from the ropes.” Now that moment had come. He asked if he could hang upside down.

“Well,” I said, “I don’t usually hang new students completely upside down. I have them get used to being half way upside down first.” So I had him do Downward Facing Dog Pose. I continued to marvel that a guy as big as him had the strength and flexibility to stay awhile in Dog Pose —I remembered how he often called me on the way to working out at the gym.

To be on the safe side, I questioned him about any medications he was taking, as I do with all my students. I forget at what point I found out he has type II diabetes —a serious health condition that can usually be handled with proper diet. I was somewhat hesitant to hang this big older dude on two medications I was unfamiliar with, completely upside down, but I was so thrilled by his eagerness and willingness to try it that I decided to  seize the moment. “Besides,” the comedienne in me thought, “this will be a good way to test if the eye hooks can withstand 200 plus pounds pulling on the ropes . . .”

I secured my sturdiest yoga strap between the two ropes and proceeded to demonstrate the proper way to safely get in and out of the rope sling. I made sure the length of the sling between the ropes was high enough so that his head would clear the floor . . . I tried to support his weight as he lowered his six foot two frame upside down; at one point, he started to slide his legs outside the ropes, which might have resulted in a concussion. The comedienne in me so wished I’d videotaped the whole scene. After nearly falling out, he hung for several minutes, smiling and making all sorts of happy sounds of relief. I was thrilled by how much he enjoyed it. His face remained a normal color—it didn’t turn beet red and he assured me he felt no unusual pressure in his head. When he said he was ready to come down, I helped him extricate himself safely out of the ropes and he obediently rested in Child’s Pose. Naturally, I was already making plans in my head to put him on a diet and turn his health around.

By then it was noon and I suggested we take my dogs on an outing to my parent’s house. While the dogs played in the yard, he could play my mother’s piano—something I had imagined many times during those six months that we spoke on the phone and communicated virtually. I had rescheduled my Tuesday afternoon private lesson for Wednesday as I thought I should at least clear my schedule his first day in Ojai. On the way to my parent’s house he asked if we could stop at the bank. As I drove, he held Chico, my elder Chihuahua on his lap and massaged his dear little doggie head—scoring more points. (I forgot to mention he was great with the dogs—another hopeful sign.) He proceeded to tell me about his finances —I was pleased to learn he was more financially stable than I thought.

During the months that we communicated on the phone and Facebook, Billy had learned all about my parents, that my dad had been in the ER twice, and that both my parents had at-home hospice care. When I explained early in our virtual relationship that I thought my dad was dying, he’d told me how he helped take care of his mother at the end of her life, and also about other deaths in his family. This all added to the emotional closeness I felt —even from a long distance.

When we arrived at my parent’s house, I found out from my youngest sister, Paula, that my mother had fallen early that morning. Thankfully, no bones were broken but her knee was bruised. My dad is usually in bed most of the day, although he still occasionally sits outside in the morning sun.  My mom normally  sits in her favorite easy chair by the window where she can see the mountains, the birds taking a bath, and the grandchildren and great grandchildren playing in the front yard when they come to visit. Even though she has short term memory loss, occasionally she still plays the piano, and she listens to classical music all day long. But today, due to her fall, her fragile skeletal figure was in bed in a fetal like position, looking barely here. I sat on the bed and said, “Mom, I ‘ve brought you a real concert pianist. He’s going to give a live concert on your piano.”

I pointed to Billy, standing in the doorway. He’d told me he was very good with old people and children—and he was. My mom was too weak to fully take in what I was saying, but when Billy started playing the piano the whole expression on her face changed. She closed her eyes and looked on the verge of rapture. I saw her clasp her hands over her heart and I could see that her consciousness was completely focused on the music spilling forth from the piano. It was unbelievably beautiful. For the first few minutes, I continued to sit on my mom’s bed, just watching the expressions on her face. Her sensitivity and appreciation of Beethoven, Mozart, and other masters is much greater than mine, but hearing the sonatas and symphonies “live,” played with such mastery and skill, I too felt myself swooning. Her piano was only about ten feet away from my mom’s bed so the sound was truly magnificent—like we were in the front row of a great concert hall.

As soon as he finished one piece, even as my mom and I were loudly clapping like kids to express our appreciation, Billy floated seamlessly into the next composition. When I went into the living room to watch him play, it was all I could do not to nuzzle the back of his beautiful neck. But I remembered how in our virtual conversations he’d mentioned many times that women would often hang around the piano while he played and leave him notes and the key to their hotel room and how he didn’t like that. He wanted to be taken seriously. I didn’t want to be put in the same category as those kind of women so, I wisely resisted the urge to nibble his neck. But I did look longingly at his beautiful hands as they drew centuries of music out of the piano . . .

Dear reader, keep in mind that this is just Day One of Billy’s visit to Ojai. I feel the need to describe these moments so you better understand that in spite of all the wise counsel from my friends, all the hours listening to the world’s top 25 relationship experts, all the books and resources listed in the beginning of this story, how it came to pass that as the moon grew fuller and the issue of where he would stay when his time at the retreat center ran out, why I weakened and invited him to stay at my house . . .

To be continued, Part Five

Click the Archives for Virtually Attached: Full Moon Musings on Romantic Relationships to view all Parts (Chapters) Posted So Far 

This was originally a three-part series,  entitled, Full Moon Musings on Romantic Relationships, mostly written in real-time haste before running off to teach, and posted on my Facebook Writing Yoga Memoirs page. I’ve now had  time to edit this first part of the story (it still needs some links and formatting) and am eager to pull together the draft of the rest of this memoir. Part Four, where the leading man jumps out of cyberspace and lands on my front porch,  is really the heart of the story. Part One, Two and Three (posted here) is background reading so you don’t judge me too harshly or think I’m hopeless (like I sometimes do). I’m eager to finish Part Four—I’ve reached the point where tears have turned to laughter. I hope you enjoy the reading as much as I enjoy the writing. Namaste

Part One: Virtually Attached

“She put down in writing what was in her mind” –Bob Dylan, It’s Not Dark Yet

May 21, 2016 (full moon, three days before my 67th birthday).

There must be millions of older single women like me. We are busy from dawn to dusk, holding down the fort, caring for elder parents, grandchildren, rescue animals, or others in need. At night or weekends we go grocery shopping, pay our bills, and tidy up our humble abode. With rare exceptions, we don’t have the energy for a social life—most days we’d rather collapse in bed with a good memoir and suffer vicariously than go on match.com and face 70 coffee dates in order to find “The One.”

I laugh now when I look back on these last six months, but getting to this place beyond tears was a lot of painful, hard work. And on the way to getting my head on straight by writing this story, I consoled several crying women friends who, like me, had let down their guard and fell into a hormonal coma.  My heart ached for them as they described a familiar story of high hopes, attraction, sex, betrayal, and disappointment. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the child bearing years or post menopause–apparently the swooning girl that lives inside us doesn’t care how old we are—when my 95-year-old Dutch mother heard the leading man in this story playing the piano in her living room, she rose from her death bed, waved her hands excitedly up in the air, and shouted, “Ik will hem trouwen! Ik will hem trouwen!” (I want to marry him! I want to marry him!)

Over the years I’ve watched several of my women friends fall for men they’ve never met in person. They chat on Facebook, on the phone,  and Skype. Evidently, occasionally it works out.

Two months ago, when I told my hairdresser about a man I’d met online who seemed much more conscious than the Adam character in my dating memoir, Fishing on Facebook: A Writing Yoga Memoir, she got all excited and told me to call a mutual friend of ours who met a man on Match.com who lived in Europe. After three months of long phone conversations and online communications, he flew to Ojai, stayed at her house, met her kids—and last she heard everything was going hunky-dory. (My hairdresser thought I might find it helpful to talk to another woman who had experienced  the virtual bonding I was going through.)

But, I also have an undaunted friend who went to pick up her virtual romance at the airport and confided that she knew immediately it wasn’t going to work in real life. He was good-natured about it, but, after flying so far, he wanted to visit Ojai, and she was stuck with a houseguest for a month.

The truth is that I’ve never before in my life had long Facebook and phone conversations with a man I’ve not first met in real-life. As with Adam, with Billy (not his real name), I let down my guard because we had mutual friends and common spiritual-psychological-nature-loving interests. And, like Adam, he talked about moving to Ojai. (“Ojai is my spiritual home.”) By the time I woke up to how seductive listening to his voice could be—plus, in this case, also his haunting, mystical yoga and meditation music — it was too late. I was hooked.

These last six months many nights I’m back in my childhood home, helping to take care of my elderly parents who come and go from the brink of death. After changing my mom’s diapers, helping her into her pajamas, soaking her dentures, massaging my dad’s feet, assuring him that I’m “saved,” I’m too tired to go out and have a social life. The online flirting and soul bearing phone calls added a little spark to my life that my feminine spirit craves–plus, I could relax on my yoga bolsters in the Goddess Pose or lie down outside under the moon and stars.  I liked Billy’s strong voice and, in the course of time,  found him to be a fabulous, colorful, soulful story-teller. The more he confided in me, sharing snippets of his childhood, all the family triumphs and tragedies, his past relationships, his hopes, his dreams . . . the closer I felt to him. If I didn’t know how common this phenomenon is, even among savvy women, I’d be embarrassed to admit the romantic plans I was making in my head. The highly imaginative writer and vulnerable, love-hungry woman in me was smitten.

(As I write this I still can’t believe I allowed this to happen before I ever got close enough to smell him in real-life.)

Apparently, I had to learn the lesson that one can be bathed in oxytocin—the love-bonding hormone– even without ever touching the person. Billy’s deep male voice, punctuated by rascally laughter, lulled me to sleep—literally and figuratively.

I knew I was in trouble when I began having anxiety attacks. I hadn’t felt those painful pangs in my gut for six years—I thought I’d slayed those dragons. But this time I knew enough to reach out for help. I knew these were old, deeply embedded patterns—that I needed to get at the root of this anxiety once and for all!

His calls were not consistent. He made up excuses for not calling as promised—and when I tried in my pitiful fashion to stand on my own two feet and explain how his erratic pattern of calling and not calling for days at a time made me feel anxious and disrespected, he brushed it off as inconsequential. As if it was MY problem! (Red flag, right there!)

In short, I represented what is known as “anxious attachment style.” I’m a classic case! I only learned this a few days ago from reading the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love. And although he would no doubt deny it, I would characterize my virtual friend as your classic, “avoidance attachment style” kind of guy.

We were most definitely not the “secure attachment” types!

Seeing that I was in psychological and emotional trouble, I arranged to have dinner with a therapist friend at Farmer & the Cook. She told me to take notes and I have them right here.

I ordered a delicious raw vegan taco — purple cabbage leaves filled with walnut and sun dried tomato croquettes topped with cashew -cilantro “cream,” mixed greens, pico de gallo & carrots. Delicious and nourishing, but I hardly touched it. Eating was secondary to talking!

After I described the situation in confidence, in much greater detail than here, she said: “Your biggest fear is what you’ll do . . . the anxiety you feel is about YOU . . . that you will act inappropriately . . . ”

She was right. I was afraid I might invite him to Ojai to visit and stay at my house. If I had my head on straight that thought would not even enter my head!

It sounds so obvious in retrospect, but at the time of our conversation I was in emotional turmoil. I knew intellectually that being in this relationship—even though it was just a virtual relationship, and that’s all it is at the time of this writing six months later—it triggered deep insecurity and anxiety in me. This was my golden opportunity to set boundaries, to stop fantasizing, to “strengthen my core,” as my friend reminded me several times during dinner.

I put the left over raw taco in a take-home box. When I got home, my appetite kicked in and I devoured it!  Then I went straight to my computer.

* * *

A few days later, I had the most vivid, symbolic dream. When I woke up I scribbled it in my journal, almost exactly as I type it here:

 I can’t get over this dream—the road to the wedding is covered in shit. I stopped my car in front of a big house (I knew people were waiting for me inside) —I kept stepping in piles of dog poop —the funny thing was that each pile was identical and I knew someone had thrown it there on purpose, like a prank.

It was impossible to cross the road without stepping in shit but I tried to dodge it anyway. You could not move without stepping in it.

When I got inside the house I saw a gathering of sorts and gradually realized it was a gathering for my upcoming wedding.

There was a man who I knew to be the man I was talking with on the phone, even though I hadn’t met him yet, and a woman who was his mother. I realized that not only had he come to Ojai—everything was all set for us to get married—there was a whole crowd of his and my relatives. I recognized my middle sister— the others I didn’t seem to know.

His mother stepped out of the crowd and came up to me. I was surprised how friendly and young she was, as I had thought she was old or dead by now. She hugged me and took my hands warmly and said her son had been talking to her about me and that getting married was so good for him.

Even in the dream I wondered how all this had taken place behind my back!

I kept trying to get a good look at the man I was to marry (he did not approach me). I thought I should at least SEE him before we get married.

I could get fleeting glimpses of him at this gathering but I just could not see him! I’d get an image and then he would disappear. I just could not get a good look at him except I saw that he was tall.

In the dream I realized that the fact that he liked me made him attractive—that was the only basis I could come up with for this hasty wedding!

I went off to have a private chat with his mother—I followed her off to another room—I continued being amazed how much she already liked me!

And then I woke up—literally and figuratively!

* * * *

Part Two: Virtually Attached

Full Moon musings on my 67th birthday, May 24, 2016

Last night, as I wandered the river bottom with my dogs on the evening before my birthday, I felt a great healing deep inside. I arrived late, after 7:00 p.m., and I stepped into that magical moment just after sunset with gold light illuminating the landscape, where you can see the shift from day to night happening before your eyes. The mountains toward Matilija Canyon were dark purple and blue, and as I walked alone, I felt a blessed silence descending on the land—a living silence where you can hear the sounds of nature like a celestial song of creation.

That feeling of anxiety triggered by my attraction to someone I’ve never even met in person, that feeling of a knife churning in my gut, was completely gone. I felt whole and free again, like I did before I began these phone conversations that inadvertently led to a way-too-hasty attachment on my part.

If you’ve read the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, you’ll recognize from my writings that I’m a classic anxiety driven attachment case.

Why didn’t I grasp this years ago?

In the past, my modus operandi would have been to blame the man as the trigger for the pain I was in. And certainly, in this long distance situation, his motivation for contacting me, his mixed messages (he knows I’m a writer and I told him that I take notes on what he says), his sporadic, unreliable phone calls—plus his talk about coming to Ojai but never giving a time-frame, and also his request for helping him find a place to stay—-all gave me cause (in my anxious mind) to cut the cord between us.

Six-months into this online/phone relationship, the shadow side inevitably made its grand appearance. On both ends of the line.

Having been through this many times before, I wanted to find out once and for all why any man should have this kind of power to disturb my equilibrium. I hadn’t even allowed him into the nunnery yet, though at the height of spring, especially while listening to his music, I was tempted!

The truth is, I want to remain friends with this man. My goal in getting to the root of my pain is being in right relationship. Whatever his initial motivation in suggesting we move from Facebook chats to talking on the phone, he has stories, musical talents, and insights that I appreciate and enjoy. No need to burn my bridges if my head is on straight!

* * *

A few days after the Farmer & Cook dinner meeting with my therapist friend (described in Part One), where she reminded me that the only thing I had to fear was myself, I kept seeing an ad on Facebook for a 10-Day online audio series proclaiming “Attract Your Soulmate: 5 Keys for Smart, Conscious, Successful Women to Attract the Right Partner and Create Lifelong Love.”

Normally, these types of events are no longer on my radar—I haven’t opened a book on relationships since I recovered from the Adam episode six-years ago. I spent endless hours in my childbearing years working on relationships and when the pain was bad, going for counseling. This time too, it was the emotional pain that motivated me to scroll through the list of 25 world-renown relationship experts.

At first it looked like a lot of fluff, but, since it was free for 10 days only (I ended up buying the series for my birthday), I thought I better humble myself and give it a shot.

I had to ask myself, at this late hour in my life, “What’s the point of doing yoga if I’m walking around with a knot in my stomach?” I can get a reprieve in the Goddess Pose, but then, a few days later, if things don’t go as I think they should, the anxiety pangs return.

So, therefore, three weeks ago, I humbled myself, opened my mind, and joined in with over 200,000 women from around the globe to listen to a panel of 25 relationship experts. In spite of multiple marriages, starting at age 18—almost 50 years ago—I felt I had to go back to the drawing board and look at my emotional pain from a different perspective.

By the time I tuned in it was the 8th day of the 10-day live audio-interview series so I had a lot of catching up to do before the free access ended.

I was my usual skeptical self during the first presentation with Marianne Williamson, entitled “Invoking Aphrodite: Aligning Power and Vulnerability.”

I’m sure she’s right that my chances of attracting romance would move up a notch if my bedroom, shared with my canine companions, didn’t look like the inside of the Humane Society!

For my birthday, I hired a housepainter to paint my prison grey bedroom walls soft alabaster white. However, it’s telling that when it came time to move my bed back into the now beautiful bedroom, I saw a golden opportunity to create a sacred writing space. The writer in me is laughingly thinking that maybe once the spring season passes, with the possible exception of the days around the full moon, maybe sacred sex is not so important to me after all.

I love my new alabaster white writing room! My journals are spread out on a long folding table, eager to see the light of day. I’m sitting at an oak desk my father bought for $20 when I first started writing 50 years ago, in a house on Thacher Road—back when the rent was $150 a month. The room is filled with natural light, a cool breeze blowing through the window, chimes ringing, Honey snoozing at my feet

It feels like a clean slate—the past is simply grist for the writing mill.

I’m confident the right man will understand my priorities! 

Part Three: Virtually Attached

More Full Moon musings on my 67th birthday, May 24, 2016

I skipped the audio interview on Embracing and Exuding your Feminine Sensuality and went straight to the interview with Dr. John Gray, with the enticing title, Attracting a Conscious Man: What to Look for in a Life-Partner.

Dr. Gray explained the qualities that conscious men bring to the table. This consciousness is not “perfection” or “the finished product,” but is the foundation for transformation. How staying rooted in authentic femininity (not playing the seductress) is the key to attracting the right partner. And if the woman feels she has to be the one to make it happen, it’s probably best to let this train go by.

I then skipped forward to the interview with Dr. Amir Levine, author of the previously mentioned book, Attached, where I learned for the first time about the three attachment types: anxious, secure, and avoidant. This is when I decided I had to buy the book and the audio series so I could listen to the interviews anytime the need arose.

At risk of sounding dramatic, at age 67, I feel my personal life depends on understanding my unconscious anxiety driven attachment patterns and how to detach them—patterns that us anxious types too often mistake for love.

A reader, Jessica Jyotika, left this Comment on Facebook in response to my Post about Attached:

Attached is revolutionary, a game-changer, mind-blowing . . . and should absolutely be required reading for all humans! I tell everyone I care about it. It’s that important. Liberating!”

She adds,”Anxious/ambivalents CAN be in healthy relationships, with a secure partner, which also brings out the secure in them. But, avoidants? Run like the dickens!”

Of course, if I understand these three types correctly, my virtual friend Billy is your classic Mr. Avoidant. And, we are both playing all the games described in Attached–in fact–I learned that these games are common dating advice and promoted in popular relationship books to help us “land” life’s greatest prize: a mate.

For example:

“Don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re not, don’t call him —-wait for him to call you, don’t appear to care too much . . . Presumably, you preserve your dignity and independence in this way and gain your partners respect. But in fact, what you are doing is behaving in a way that is not true to your genuine needs and feelings. You wave these aside to appear strong and self-sufficient. And indeed these books and the advice they give ARE right; these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive. What they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science, is that they will make you seem more attractive to a particular kind of partner—an avoidant one. Why? Because, in essence, what they are advocating is that you ignore your needs and let the other person determine the amount of closeness/distance in the relationship . . . “

* * *

Maybe I’ve just been living in the nunnery too long but I find this stuff utterly fascinating!

I not only purchased the Attract Your Soulmate interviews and listened to some of them several times, I also got the revised, hefty, 450 page hardcover edition of Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, by  biological anthropologist Helen E. Fisher.

According to Dr. Fisher, the go-to-authority on love and heartache and chief advisor to match.com, “Online dating is much more natural than walking up to a stranger in a bar.”

And, on the urging of a friend, I also threw Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft, into my amazon shopping cart. I didn’t think I really needed that one, but turns out that’s the one I needed the most!

Did any of this do me any good? That remains to be seen.

Three weeks after I wrote this, Billy jumped out of cyberspace and landed on my front porch.

To be continued. (Part Four) 

* * *

Link to the book, Attached:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love.
• Link to the website Attached
•  http://www.attachedthebook.com
• Attract Your Soulmate: 5 Keys for Smart, Conscious, Successful Women to Attract the Right Partner and Create Lifelong Love.
•