Posts Tagged ‘journal writing’

If I were still in Holland

December 16, 2013
December 8, 2013 
Right now the icy wind blowing on my face is still a novelty; walking the stony creek bed with my nose dripping is a carefree lark. The wind rushes through my hair and past my ears, and I enjoy the pleasant chill. If I were still in Holland, at this time of year I might be ice-skating on the canal across the street.As the wind blows harder, childhood scenes of pulling a sled play across the screen of my memory. In Holland, my feet and fingers nearly froze. The bitter cold went right through my wool mittens, and the snow seeped through my shoes. It hurt like hell when my well-meaning parents peeled off my wet wool socks and stuck my numb feet in a tub of hot water instead of thawing them gradually at a tepid temperature.

Chico sits shivering at my feet, wearing a warm yellow turtle neck sweater. Honey, as usual, is frolicking in total bliss. She drank some rainwater from the first hopeful puddles . . . if it rains more, we’ll be sloshing through running water and hopping from rock to rock.

The wind is kicking up; now it’s making a sound I haven’t heard for ages, a low hum like a wind instrument. It’s blowing harder and harder, and feels so good on my face. All the leaves are shimmering in the late afternoon light. The dry brush all over the river bottom landscape looks like it’s leaning forward, barely hanging on by it’s roots . . . Every plant is moving, except the cactus. No matter how hard the wind blows, the prickly cactus stands still . . .

My dad still tells stories about how we walked and rode our bikes everywhere in Holland, through rain, sleet, and snow. When he rode several miles to his office, he lined his pants and jacket with newspapers to keep out the chill. “You people are so soft, Suzanne,” he scoffs if I mention the cold weather. “You don’t know what cold is!”

(Photo of my mother riding her bicycle)

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— in The Hague, Netherlands.

Should I sue Farmer and the Cook for the weight I’ve gained back after that three-week juice fast two years ago?

December 16, 2013

December 7, 2013

I just took a shower–and a good naked look in the mirror. And I’m thinking, “Should I sue Farmer and the Cook for the weight I’ve gained back after that three-week juice fast two years ago?”

When I’m standing in line at Vons, I’m never tempted to buy KitKat bars or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But, for some reason, when I’m waiting around at the Farmer, with my basket filled with cucumbers, carrots, oranges, fresh hummus, containers of fresh vegan corn, tomato, or squash soup, Mary’s Gone Crackers, and other good intentions, by the time it’s my turn at the register I’ve weakened and I hear myself telling the incredibly young, slim, vital-looking checker to please get me an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, a banana walnut muffin, a couple of birdseed cookies, and a raw mango pastry out of the glass bakery case so strategically placed within arm’s reach of the register.

I tell myself I’ll nibble these treats as a reward while I’m writing, but when I woke up this morning, the cookies and muffins I bought at 6:00 p.m. last night were nowhere to be found. Except around my waist.

Among the many fatal errors I made this year was not having a full-length mirror in the bathroom. I do get an occasional glimpse of myself in the mirrored wall at Sacred Space Studio when I teach–and for a split second I wonder who is that chunky old woman–but then my eyes focus back on my students who mercifully (for the most part) love me just as I am.

But, I kid you not: there is a tactless woman in a class immediately after one of mine who, week after week, flat-out tells me, “Why’d you let yourself get so fat again? You were looking so good after that juice fast!” She repeats this every time we cross paths, like a broken record, and makes me want to tell her, “I’d rather be fat than a skinny bitch like you!”

I just smile enigmatically and say nothing. It would take too long to explain the complexities of my psyche and life situation.

Last week, when she asked me for the umpteenth time why I’ve gained so much weight, I laughingly replied, “I knew you were going to say that!” Then she gave me the nicest smile and said, “I don’t know why I give you such a hard time!”

I blame it all on moving back to the river bottom in Meiners Oaks, with the Farmer and the Cook conveniently located on my route home. The magnetic pull of their sesame seed birdfeeder cookies with that generous dollop of strawberry jam in the center is stronger than my desire to be slim.

At least for now. Things can change on a dime.

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A little taste of Eden to help us cope here in the insane asylum

November 25, 2013
Sunday night, November 24, 2013
Now the mountains are pitch black–the last reflection from the setting sun all gone. Even the shapes of trees look solid, almost human, like black giants lumbering toward me.Looking toward Matilija Canyon, the sky is a pale blue-white light; toward Lake Casitas the horizon is a polluted orange-gold. I stand stone still, holding the quivering Chico against my chest, and wait for the evening stillness to descend. The bigger dogs know my habits; they don’t worry about why we don’t hurry home, but lie still in the weeds.

I turn around and lean back over a boulder whose shape is perfect for looking up at the sky. At first the barely light sky looks empty, but then I notice the black shapes of formations of birds speeding overhead–perfectly aligned groups of five or more, sometimes a row of three . . . and a few lone birds aiming to catch up. I can see the white flecks on their wings, and they keep coming and coming . . . I sit up and try to see if they land nearby, but they vanish in the air.

420152_10150741781489703_1319035889_nFor a moment the evening silence is broken by an airplane, buzzing like a foreign monster overhead. This triggers a deep-time  memory . . . my ancient, primitive brain remembers the past–the long-ago past beyond this brief flicker of a lifetime . . . and something in me also has an imaginary inkling of the future. 

But, here in the present, lights are going on in nearby houses, and poor little shivering Chico wonders why we don’t get moving and go inside. I tell myself that if it were not for the dogs I might still be meditating on that rock, but, truth be told, I’m hungry and my mortal stomach calls.As we walk the few steps home, my noisy modern brain hears the first crickets. If you’ve heard that amazing recording of the chorus of crickets slowed down, then you know their song is a celestial sound . . . a little taste of Eden to help us cope here in the insane asylum.

 

Good dog!

November 25, 2013

Saturday night, November 23, 2013

I was in my nice warm bed, burrowing deep under the covers, my weary head sinking into the pillow, cats sacked out on top of the comforter, dogs crashed out on the floor–every body settled in for the night and accounted for. Just as I was fading away, in the stillness of the house, I distinctly heard running water, like a faucet trickling, followed by the sound of water splashing. It lasted only a few seconds, but long enough that I wondered, “What could that be?”

I couldn’t fall asleep, and, since I knew I’d have to fly out of the house at dawn, I thought I’d get up and do my ablutions early. As I was about to step into the shower, I noticed that the cat’s water bowl that sits near the shower was all yellow and filled to the brim. And then I remembered that odd running water sound I’d heard.  Chico, out of consideration for his mistress, had thoughtfully peed into the water bowl instead of on the floor, where I might have stepped in it. I had to hand it to him–his aim was perfect!

Embracing my inner Pippi Longstocking

November 15, 2013

My big treat two or three times a week is slinking into Farmer and the Cook and filling my African grass basket with avocados, oranges, bananas, soy creamer, cucumbers, hummus, soup (if it’s ready), chocolate chip muffins (I’m eating one right now), and whatever other goodies from their bakery case that I have cash for.

As I stood filling up a cup of coffee, I noticed an exceptionally slim, beautiful young woman talking to an older woman friend. The writer in me caught parts of their conversation: “Be sure to smudge the house with sage . . .” I had the impression the older woman was advising and consoling the younger one on matters of the heart, and I was close enough so that when I reached for the soy creamer and looked up I saw tears flowing down the younger woman’s flawless face.

I wish it were as easy as lighting candles and smudging the house with sage. Seeing the two of them talking and then hugging, I remembered how, for years and years, back when I was young and skinny, I’d pour my heart out to my older women friends. They were so patient with me, even as they rolled their eyes and tried to talk sense into me. But I had to learn the hard way–through experience.

Seeing this woman’s tears reminded me of the worst-ever breakup, with a sweet man I was hopelessly addicted to. I should have figured it out on our first date when he snorted “nose candy,” and those times when he snuck Ecstasy (still legal back then) into my orange juice, but it took a good long decade before I emerged from that river of denial. When he finally left, I didn’t think to smudge our house with sage. But, after sobbing for three days, comforted by my black potbellied pig, Rosie (who slept beside me on a blanket), and my dear white miniature poodle, Muffy, I had the sense to open all the doors and windows and let the fresh air and sunlight in.

To help me recover from the shock and disappointment of the breakup, my pre-teen daughter surprised me with a gift of two tame rabbits. They made me laugh through my tears. After playing with them outside on the grass, and not wanting to confine them to a cage, I had the brilliant idea to convert my bedroom into a rabbit room. This was something I could probably never have done if I still had a husband!

So I got rid of his dresser, our giant marital bed, the romantic lights, the decorations from India–all the stuff we had bought together through the years–and schlepped a bale of sweet smelling alfalfa hay into the house, a few sections at a time, until the entire hardwood floor looked like barn flooring, covered in hay. The energy of maleness, sex, and painful breakups flew out the window, and was replaced by two same-sex rabbits cavorting innocently about.

My daughter, her friends, and the kids next door quickly discovered that rabbits, like kittens, love to run through tunnels, play hide-and-seek, and hop over boxes and other obstacles. Soon the bedroom became a bona fide rabbit playground. With no man in the house to manage me, I embraced my inner Pippy Longstocking–my favorite childhood heroine who lived carefree, independent with no parents and kept her horse, monkey, and other animals in the house. In the weeks after that painful breakup, I no longer cared what the house looked like. Hay spilled from the bedroom into the hallway, and the rabbits nibbled at my toes . . .

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The wild wind sweeps through the river bottom

November 14, 2013

The wild wind sweeps through the river bottom . . . Honey is crazy with joy, and her canine exuberance is contagious! She runs with the wind like a whirling dog-dervish. She dances and prances and follows a thousand invisible scents. Little Chico scrambles to keep up. His whole Chihuahua being trembles with excitement! For a moment the wind is so intense that it kicks up the dry dirt and we pass through a cloud of dust. I’m aware that wind can blind us, can destroy all in its path. But here, so far, it’s a joyous, cleansing, healing wind that just blows the past right out of you and lifts you into the present . . .

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One Thing I Do Regret

November 7, 2013

Scan_Pic0018What advice would you give to an aspiring author?

Read. Read everything you can get your hands on. Read it intelligently. Break it down. Try to figure out how the writer has made you feel the way you feel. Anyone who doesn’t read doesn’t have any business writing. –Ann Patchett

I’m so relieved to hear Ann Patchett say this, even though I’ve heard it many times before, because I’ve probably read more than a hundred memoirs in the years since I’ve started scheming my own. And lately I’m reading books pilfered from my son-in-law’s bookshelf, books I would normally snub my nose at, because all this reading of books I gravitate toward has only brought home how much I need to expand my horizons.
I know it’s popular to say “No regrets,” but I do regret not going to college and majoring in English or journalism. I’m a self-taught writer with hundreds of published newspaper columns and magazine articles, most of which were badly in need of another round of editing, and five published books (with more waiting in the wings, of course) that were saved by a team of patient editors who put up with my ignorance as to how badly I needed an editor. And that’s no lie!

Ann Patchett Interview: How I write

Reading Like a Writer

“Sick Pay! Feel Better”

October 23, 2013

October 21, 2013

I keep seeing all these posts about random acts of kindness and paying it forward. Well, I have a little story of my own. Today was my first day back teaching since the wind was taken out of my sails sixteen days ago. I still had a lingering cough, but my energy felt normal, and I had a strong feeling when I woke up that it would do me a world of good to get out of my sick cocoon and back into the stream of life.

It felt intensely healing to be back at the beautiful Sacred Space Studio with my students. I felt their love and appreciation–the class flowed like a wonderful dream. The interesting thing was that, the whole time I was teaching, even when I was laughing, I never coughed. My energy picked up as the class moved along–totally the opposite of that last class, when it felt like someone had pulled the plug and I barely made the short walk back to my car. Today I felt that my patience to wait for the right moment–when I felt really well again–had paid off.

After not working for so long, I had one dollar left in my wallet. Two students paid for another series of classes. Their payment went toward the studio rent. There was one drop-in student; I used his $20 bill to buy gas. Since I had canceled so many classes, the rest of the students aren’t due for another week or so. So I went home with the same dollar bill.

A little later, while rummaging in my purse for my cell phone, I noticed a small envelope that somehow I’d missed seeing earlier. I often have old envelopes, scrap paper, and odd notes in my purse, but I noticed that this envelope had a message scribbled on the front:

Sick Pay!
Feel Better

The envelope was semi-sealed with a heart sticker. So I opened it, thinking maybe it was a get-well card. Instead, and much to my delight, I discovered five crisp twenty-dollar bills.

When you’re down to one dollar, that’s quite a windfall!

No card. It was just an anonymous act of kindness.

Thank you, dear student. I have a hunch that I know who you are, but I’m not sure!

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Deep Rest is the Cure

October 19, 2013
October 17, 2013  
The full moon rises–no matter what, she stays on track. She’s my lifeline as my own boat drifts at a low ebb, lost at sea here in the Valley of the Moon . . .
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Full Moon, October 18, 2013
I’m not out of the woods yet, but already the memories of those first days of chills, fever, coughing, hacking, shivering delirium, and endless nose blowing are fading away. I think it will help me heal if I share the rest of my sick saga. (If you missed yesterday’s prelude, see Into the Underworld of Chills and Fever)

I’m such a compulsive Gemini communicator that I’ll probably sit upright at my own funeral and argue with the minister about the hereafter!
Just to illustrate the seriousness of my descent into the underworld, during those first five days, before completely losing my voice, I found myself singing this little ditty (sung to the tune of that ’60s jingle, “Soup and Sandwich”) like a madwoman, over and over again, just to keep my spirits up:
Chills and fever, chills and fever, 
Everybody’s got chills and fever. 
Any time of weather, chills and fever go together.

Repeat five times every hour until symptoms subside. I figured so long as I was singing, I wasn’t dead. And the singing and laughing felt like a sort of exorcism.
Already people were advising me to go to the doctor, but I argued, “I don’t need a doctor–I need a nurse! I need someone to come over and take care of me so I can stay in bed and get well! I need to get off this cold, hard drafty floor. I’m too old to be sleeping on the ground. I have to face it! I need someone to walk the dogs, wash the dishes, feed the animals, clean the kitty litter . . .
 
“And,” I added, “I need someone to go to Farmer and the Cook and get me some birdseed cookies and carrot cake!”I wanted a treat. Like a child in her sick bed, I began obsessing about carrot cake. I almost cried when my helper friend only delivered soup, grapes, lemons, and oranges. He explained something about the carrot cake arriving on Thursday. At that moment I wished I were rich and could command someone to chase down an organic carrot cake. Moving on from the carrot cake, I began dreaming about Earth Cafe Vegan Cheesecake. Finally, last night, someone brought me a Rockin’ Raspberry!
When you’re sick in bed, staring out the window at the purple-orange fall leaves fluttering in the wind, you have ample opportunity to observe the workings of your own mind. And when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is survival–getting your health back.
Every ounce of energy I had went into making potions. I brewed super-strong fresh ginger tea–drank it hot, drank it cold, reheated the leftover batches and squeezed fresh lemons into it, sweetened all my ginger and various herbal brews with raw organic honey. It felt like the sweetener allowed me to stand upright to wash a few essential dishes before collapsing back into bed.My daughter made me a huge pot of zucchini-based vegetable soup that she put into the blender. She delivered it with a baggie of peeled garlic cloves and a garlic press, with instructions to press the raw garlic straight into the hot soup every time I ate a bowl. I kept up the garlic and soup formula for a few days, until I got the strong feeling “No more garlic–enough already!” And, of course, I included the usual cures–peeled organic oranges, eaten straight, and juiced oranges, as well as water, lots of water. And pineapple juice. I haven’t found anything that beats pineapple juice for soothing a sore throat.

On the third day, just before completely losing my voice, I woke up with the scary feeling that my throat was closing. I could breathe okay, but my throat was feeling increasingly sore and constricted. I sipped more batches of sweet, tree-ripened orange juice and, at one point, coughing and hacking over the sink, the body in its infinte wisdom expelled the most disgusting glob. I’ll spare you further details, but am mentioning this in case anyone else is in the midst of the same malady.
There were a few days when salads lost all appeal. I felt that if I ate that pile of baby greens I would throw it up. I asked my friend to bring me organic crackers–Mary’s and Suzy’s. I think the crackers added to the phlegm I kept coughing up, but they settled my stomach and I never vomited.Another friend reminded me about Vicks VapoRub. It felt good to rub that camphor eucalyptus ointment on my chest, which brought back childhood memories of missing Halloween when I had a cold.
On Wednesday–five days after this saga began–I completely lost my voice for two days. When I managed to take Honey out back on a mini-walk, I couldn’t call her. But the weird thing was that I could whistle loud and clear. All together, it took about six days to get my voice back to where I could speak normally without coughing or straining. At one point the coughing got so bad that it strained my back and my heart hurt. That was the lowest point. I stayed in bed, realizing that my body needed every ounce of energy to heal.
And about eight days into this, with the cough hanging on, I decided I’d better get with a vitamin C program, hoping it would act like an antibiotic. A friend brought me a bottle of “Buffered Time Release Vitamin C,” 500 Mg. I’ve been taking two tablets with fresh juice or tea every four hours, but am tapering off starting today.While buried under the covers, I reread two old classics in the field of health and healing: Food Is Your Best Medicine by Henry G. Bieler, MD, and Medical Nemesis by Ivan Illich. If you’re still wondering whether to get that flu shot, read these books–or at least read up on the pros and cons. I think the day will come when the medical establishment will have to disclose that these shots do far more harm than good.I believe there are layers of causes, warning signs, before things manifest on the physical plane. I recognize that there are times when Mother Nature needs medical help. If I had been dehydrated, throwing up, having problems with elimination and that sort of thing, I might have considered checking in with a doctor. But in my case I felt if I could just rest–lie on the ground in the warm sun–I would gradually get well.Deep rest was indeed the cure–but this was difficult for me to get. My dog Honey gets all pent up, and I can’t fully rest surrounded by her restless energy.
 
On the day that I lost my voice, my daughter Monica Ellen Marshall put Honey, Chico, and her own dog, Buddy, in my car and drove to Cozy Dell Trail so Honey could get some real exercise. But, as usual, a few feet away from the car Honey put on the brakes. She absolutely refuses to hike with anyone else–no exceptions! She was willing to walk in the parking lot in the direction of my house or back in the direction of the car, but the trail pointing away from my house was out of the question!So every evening–maybe I missed once or twice—through sheer force of will, I walked in an altered state, like in a dream, to the river bed, where Honey could run back and forth on her own. During those times the thought hit me that this might be what my body will feel like when I’m a hundred years old . . .
Note: This story is dedicated to my friend Sholom Joshua. I will never forget the sight of him wearing a surgical mask–so he wouldn’t get my cooties–when dropping off daily “care packages.” The animals and I are grateful. Thank you!
Photo Credit: Olivia Klein
 

Into the underworld of chills and fever

October 17, 2013

October 16, 2013 

buddy542212_685309024830274_335351423_nEarly this morning, for the first time in about ten days I felt strong enough to rise from my sick bed and follow the wind just past the gate near my house—a place where I can lean against my favorite boulder, high above the dry river bed, sip my hot potion of lemon and raw honey, and take in the panoramic view of the mountains.

I was just thinking how great it felt to be steady on my feet again when a large wolf-like coyote appeared in the not-too-far distance. At that same moment I noticed that little Chico, who was supposed to be home safe in his basket, had followed me and the larger dogs. Chico—so innocent and oblivious– looked pleased that he had found us on his own. I wanted to linger and study the coyote, but I quickly shouted to the dogs and headed back toward the gate. This flurry of activity caused the coyote and his invisible pack to start yipping. My own pack and I bolted through the gate, and I locked my dogs safe inside the house.

I couldn’t resist having one more look, from the safety of a point just a few feet past the gate. Sure enough, there were now three of them, looking almost blond in the early morning light and trotting down the same path that my dogs and I walk almost every day. One stopped to pee—just like a dog. What did I expect? They were moving in my direction at a good pace so I slipped quickly back behind the gate and waited for them to walk by, but they took a different direction home.

About ten days ago Mother Nature had her way with me, snatching me out of my busy life and dragging me into the underworld of chills and fever. She slammed me into my bed and told me in no uncertain terms, “I gave you plenty of warnings, but you ignored me. Now I’m gonna show you who’s the boss!”

I can perfectly understand why primitive people believed disease was caused by evil spirits, because it felt like two conflicting devils were in a raging battle inside of me. But truth is, our modern-day superstitions that blame hokus pokus flu bugs are not much better. I can’t in good conscience blame germs for my sorry state; I brought it upon myself. And now I had no choice but to surrender.

I had dutifully pushed myself out of bed to teach an early-morning yoga class. The room felt cold, although normally I have good circulation and an unheated room doesn’t faze me. About halfway into the 90-minute class, it was like someone had suddenly pulled the plug. You don’t realize how much effort and energy everything takes until your energy system collapses!

In the middle of that last class, I suddenly became aware of the daunting effort of merely walking across the room. Still not fully realizing what had hit me, I sat on the floor and instructed the students to go into various restorative poses. The students seemed far away –almost as if they were in another dimension. I had a strong instinct that I needed to get out of the building while I still could. So I ended the class a few minutes early, left it up to the students to put away the props, and headed straight for my car, which seemed a long way off.

I remember thinking I might just drive to a nearby residential street to lie down on the front seat and take a little nap. But, as I drove down the street, I reasoned, “I’ll just drive a little further, to my parents’ house, and lie on their lawn, in the nice warm sun, till I get my strength back.”

Then, as I passed my parents’ house, I reasoned that I was almost home. I coasted down into the river bottom, past the pigs, parked the car, left my stuff in it, and collapsed on my bed.

Even then I was in denial, thinking I’d be fine in a few hours.

But Mother Nature had a different agenda . . .

Continued Part Two:  Deep Rest is the Cure