Fishing on Facebook, Chapter Three: The River Bottom

Early morning walk in the river bottom, Ojai, California 

As I read Adam’s latest letter, my feminine spirit soared. HE was thinking about the “powerful things” I’d said. He wanted to move back to Ojai! All his feelings had been pouring out since he connected with me.  Feelings!  I was miles ahead of the pack because I “understood his connection to Ojai.”

But the part that my feminine mind really zeroed in on was when he said “I would like to take you to the hill my home sat on….”

Adam was taking me home to meet his parents, albeit they were ghosts…

At our Farmer & Cook lunch date,  Adam had confided  how he often goes to the hill where he grew up to commune with the spirit of his  father (the man who raised him, not his biological father).

 Adam had told me how he feels his father’s presence on the land. He also confided how much he missed his mother, who died thirteen yeas ago, just a few weeks before he found out that he had an older sister. (He found out that he had a sister with the same biological parents  because she was searching for her biological mother.)

All of this tugged at my heart.

I had difficulty following the saga of his birth parents, but my heart went out to him.

It was the full moon and that letter put me over the top. Adam’s words were like a powerful aphrodisiac. The hormonal floodgates opened. That evening, as I walked the river bottom with Honey and Nubio, the pendulum of my celibate psyche swung the other way. I hadn’t thought about sex for ages and suddenly it was all I could think about.

 I could feel all my juices flowing. Juicier than I ever felt in my younger years.

I wrote in my journal:

Full Moon Sunday November 21, 2010

All day I hoped Adam would call. Took a walk at sunset and watched the moon rise. I am no longer content to be a nun. I want to be with a man in the worst possible way. Hadn’t he joked about us going for a walk in the full moon at midnight? I can’t stop wishing Adam would call. All my yoga and Krishnamurti philosophy has gone out the window. My nervous system has a mind of its own. I remember how for years when I had my period on the full moon how emotional I’d get. I would cry and cry. And here I am post menopause and nothing has really changed. I feel like crying and crying.

Sex is energy. And now out of the blue, two days prior to the full moon and today on the full moon I can feel the sex centers (mind/heart/sexual organs) reawakening to as yet unfulfilled possibilities.

My juices are flowing. Do not believe those stupid ads for “Female Enhancement” formulas. Real sexual enhancement is self-understanding, self-love, attracting a partner who understands, loves and appreciates your essence and who is madly attracted to you…

Sex is the great illusion, the great trickster and what an illusion it is. I have felt this primal longing many times before. I need to write about this to keep me in reality…

It took all my will power not to call Adam. I could feel the full moon beaming down on me. If he’d called and invited me over I would have hopped in his bed in a heart beat.  I was ready to flee the monastery, run into the bushes and answer the call of the wild.

Twice I called Ann. I reminded myself that I had promised her that if I had an overpowering urge to call Adam I would call her instead. At 9 pm I called again. I told her voice mail “Ann, he still hasn’t called. I can’t take it. I’m going to cry….“

********************************

Monday… Tuesday….Wednesday went by. Not a peep from Adam. True to his word in the Friday email after our lunch “meeting,” Adam was “off  [my] radar screen for a few days.

I called Ed, a divorced man in his sixties (that seems so young now), who is “in a relationship” with Christine, a Gemini like me. “Ed,” I asked, “When you started dating Christine, how often did you call her? ”

Suza,” he said, “things have changed. Nobody calls anymore. I hardly ever call her. She’s out of town a lot. We mostly email.”

I told Ed about Adam and that I was hurting because he hadn’t called.

Don’t take it so seriously. Lighten up. Don’t worry. He’ll call or email when he wants to get together again. Just go about your business “

Right.

The giddy excitement I felt on the full moon metamorphosed into a knot of anxiety. I went though the day with pain in my solar plexus. The Goddess Pose gave temporary relief but then the pain came back.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. I told myself Adam was probably having dinner with his long lost sister and her family. Early Thursday morning I checked my email once more. Adam1@gmail.com  lit up the screen. I tried not to get too excited.

Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2010 Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
From: Adam1@gmail.com
To: sfrancina@aol.com

Suza:

    I want to wish you a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday.

  Adam Johnson

That’s all it said.

But the part that hit me in the gut was that he signed it “Adam Johnson.” That sounded so formal after that last friendly letter on Saturday night. Why the hell did he suddenly sign his last name?

I forwarded Ann his email

Subject: Fwd: Happy Thanksgiving

This is all I’ve heard since 11/20–comment to follow 

Then I wrote:

I don’t feel like writing him back. On our lunch he acted like he was crazy about me–just like in his letters…he gave me so many compliments it began to make me uncomfortable…I question his motives… Something is not right with him. And I would not go anywhere alone with him. If he wants to talk…fine…but he would have to initiate it and be prepared to answer some serious questions…

  Ann replied:

Yeah . . . an odd duck. I don’t like that he signed his full name. I hope you get a chance to ask those serious questions.   x o x x“

I wrote in my journal:

The whole thing is bizarre… I’ll write about it for my therapy. I am still so hopelessly naive and trusting!

I decided to give Adam a taste of his own medicine. I did not respond.

Thursday morning as I was scrubbing yams in my daughter’s kitchen I got really mad. His stupid email was ruining my Thanksgiving. What a jerk.

I went back to my laptop, took off my yoga teacher hat and blasted him:

Adam,  you may want to wish me a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday but your modus operandi toward women is hurtful, selfish and immature.

And before I could change my mind I hit Send Now.

There! I hope it ruins his day!

  I forwarded Ann a copy.

Not realizing that I’d already sent it she wrote back:

The only thing I would change is the word “women.” Because you don’t really know if he treats all women like this. All you know for sure is his attitude toward you.

You could say ” Adam, you may want to wish me a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday but  but your modus operandi toward me has been hurtful, selfish, and immature.”

Anyway, he’ll get the point, I hope.

Good! So long as he got my point. I wasn’t about to send him a corrected copy.

************************************

Friday morning when I got back from my walk with Honey and Nubio the phone message light was blinking.

  Good morning Suza, this is Adam Johnson speaking .I just opened your email. OUCH!” Pause. “I’d like to talk to you about it, if you want to… I’m coming to Ojai this weekend if you’d like to meet somewhere…”

At the sound of his masculine voice I felt a flicker of weakness but I decided I really didn’t want to waste my time if he was conflicted about seeing me. So I wrote:

   Adam, I would like to clear the air.  I would like to continue consulting with you about environmental issues. I appreciate and admire your good qualities. But before we can work together I want to clear up the confusing and hurtful mixed messages I’ve gotten from you. 

  Going back to last Friday, I enjoyed our lunch and from your response I thought you did too.  Your e-mails prior to our meeting were warm and friendly and gave me the impression that you were attracted to the kind of person I am.

  Your e-mail immediately after our “meeting” left me feeling like I had done something wrong –so I called to clear up any misunderstanding. I also sent you a letter Saturday to help clear the air and to convey my feelings and observations. 

I received your letter describing your emotions about Ojai and me.  However, my intuition tells me there is more to this then what you are telling me.

  The tone of your Thanksgiving note signed with your first and last name does not make sense.

   If you have decided you are headed in the wrong directions with any feelings toward me I completely respect that. I would rather you are honest so I am not left wondering.

  Or maybe you already have a girl friend or several girlfriends and you realize that I have no interest in dating a man who is already involved with someone else. 

  Or you might have a lifelong pattern in your encounters/relationships with women and you realized that was not going to work with me.

  Or maybe none of the above. No reason is needed. There need be no further personal involvement or at least not at this time. We can have a nice friendship and working relationship made easy by the fact that you live in Santa Barbara.

  I  just want to be clear that if you do want to meet again where we can talk about all this it needs to be in a conscious way with mutual consideration, honesty and respect. 

   Suza

I showed Ann my letter. She said, “ I think it’s a good letter, Suza. Let’s see how he responds. “

Adam called again. “Thank you very much for your email and sharing your feelings… I want to know if we can get together for a visit…”

 I called him back. I said, “Good morning,” in my most cheerful voice. We talked about the weather and how cold it was. I said the soonest I could meet was Sunday afternoon. We agreed to meet 1pm at Krotona.

  I wrote in my journal:

I’m relieved he is communicating and hopefully we will continue to clear the air. The whole thing makes me nervous…that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve had a long break from….

On Saturday night there was this in my mailbox.

From:Adam1@gmail.com
To: sfrancina@aol.com
Sent: 11/27/2010 Subj: How was your day

 Dear Suza:

    I hope that you stay warm tonight…it is going to be cold again in the valley the news said.  I will think warm thoughts for you as I climb into bed.  Wish I was able to hold you and keep you warm.

    I have been able this past week to get a hold on my feelings…a big thank you for putting up with me and my actions.. You are a strong woman. And I have not been easy on you.

  I do miss you and look forward to visit with you tomorrow (Sunday).

  Hugs,

  Adam

 I had to do another reality check. I showed Ann his latest letter.

Dear Lord, what do we make of this man? ”

I replied, “If I just keep a lid on sex, all will be well…”

To be continued, Chapter Four

Tags:

11 Responses to “Fishing on Facebook, Chapter Three: The River Bottom”

  1. Candy Says:

    Tenterhooks, yet again.

    Like

  2. Heather Says:

    Unfortunately I have been with 2 men where I had this EXACT story!

    Like

    • Suza Francina Says:

      Hi Heather, I hear you! Writing this is helping me heal…I don’t want to gve away the plot but in about four or five more chapters will have more insights to share…thanks for reading…

      Like

  3. nancy Says:

    This is making me just as crazy as when I go through similar things in my own life. Outrage and that tendency to want to “understand” the guy. I’m loving getting to have this identifying experience through your writing.

    Like

    • Suza Francina Says:

      Hi Nancy,

      This is first time I’ve hit “Reply” to comment. Thank you! I am enjoying and appreciating your feedback. If you’d like to excerpt any of this in the Bubble (and direct readers to this blog), that might be fun… there’s about four more chapters -maybe more …

      Like

  4. nancy Says:

    Thank you, Suza. I do plan to put out a Relationships themed issue down the line a little ways and would be happy to put in an excerpt from this. It may be a little while. In the meantime I could direct people to this blog on my FaceBook page. Is every chapter now on the blog? I could direct them to Ch. 1 on the Post and let them know to follow the trails from the Post to the blog for ongoing chapters.

    Like

    • Suza Says:

      Yes, every chapter will be on the blog as they are ready…would be great to direct to OjaiPost Ch. 1 if that works on your FB page or however you want to do it…I have updates on my FB too…and no obligation if it clutters up your page…Thanks!

      Like

  5. Peggy La Cerra Says:

    Glad you’re writing a blog, Suza! Now, if I only new the whole back story on Adam . . . ; )

    Like

  6. Laura Says:

    I can’t wait to read the rest, you are a wonderful writer!

    Like

    • Suza Francina Says:

      Thank you, Laura, your nice note arrived this morning when I was doing a final round of bleary-eyed editing — your message cheered me on!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: