Suzaji’s Blog

Chapter Four, Krotona, “The White Feather of Peace.”

From my journal, Sunday, November 28, 2010

Just got back from Krotona Hill where I spent the afternoon with Adam. Will write everything after I feed cats, dogs, finish laundry, make salad…eat salad. Still on juice cleanse and eating mainly raw food.

I need to write down everything to bring this into reality.

Meeting at Krotona in nature with privacy was a good idea.

We sat in the sun on a stone bench overlooking the valley.

He wants to meet again tomorrow –but don’t know if I have time.

Better do my chores.

Next page:

Oh boy!

Is he ever interesting!

I swear he hardly stopped talking. But he did ask me almost as many personal questions as I asked him.

I parked my car in the Krotona parking lot, near the Rose Garden that is in front of the library. I had told him to meet me in back where the fish ponds are so we could see the hawks that I saw there the other day but I heard him call my name and saw that he was sitting on a bench in the sun, in front of the library.

It was freezing cold except for that sunny spot where he sat.  The spot he picked was the very best warmest spot with great views and privacy.

The whole vibe was different from last Friday (only nine days ago!) when we met at the Farmer & Cook.

Here is what happened off the top of my head — not necessarily in chronological order.

When I first saw him he walked toward me and gave me a white feather he had found. He said it was the “white feather of peace.”

I guess I was kind of hard on him about not calling all week.

We sat close together on the stone bench and he told me the real names of every mountain in sight. With a story. And the names of every plant we could see. Plus their history and how they got here. Such great views of the valley. 

Oh, before that, when we first started talking I said something about why we had to be careful. Because I genuinely like him and we could do good work together. So we have to be conscious, I told him.

He said he fell in love with me and had to get a handle on it.

He thanked me multiple times for putting up with what he did during the week.

Said what he did with me (not call or email) is what he periodically does when he is on overload. When he feels overwhelmed he turns off his phone and email till he finds his balance.

Now I understand why he said he needed to be “off my radar screen” for a few days.

In the course of two hours he pretty much  revealed his whole sexual past.

He says he is trying to reign himself in, so to speak. No sexual encounters for eight months, some sort of record, I gather.

Later told me that about 80% of the women on his Facebook page are old lovers/girlfriends. I think he’s exaggerating.  Hope that’s not true!

He said the longest he’s ever lived with a woman is six months.

Women move in with him but he mentioned they keep their old place. I said well maybe they intuitively they know they may need their old place back again.

I asked him again if he’d ever been married. Still find it hard to believe a 57-year old man like him has never been married! He stretched his arms out and said something about “not going through that door….” (the long-term relationship/ marriage door).

Later he said sometimes he feels sad about this. He said he notices couples in stores, like when he’s at Home Depot, buying things together. He said he notices the way they talk to each other like when they are deciding on the color of paint.

I asked him why do these women that move in with him move out? He claims the separation is mutual. He says old girlfriends occasionally stay with him to get back on their feet. He says he just sees them in the hallway or kitchen, like a sister. Sounds like he has a big house with separate wings.

I felt very relaxed this time. We both asked each other tons of snoopy questions like does he have any diseases. No, healthy as a horse.

He’s kind of like a wild animal that has managed to participate in the world. Found out more about the different organizations he helped start.

We sat close together and then walked around Krotona arm in arm, in part because it was so windy and freezing cold.

He said he is aware of his patterns. How he sleeps with women too quickly, and I gather in his youth very indiscriminately.

He was raised on goats milk. Maybe he’s like a goat…

 This time I felt very comfortable around him… Felt attracted to him.. Felt safe in Nature at Krotona.

He was four years old (or maybe younger?) when his biological father introduced his mom to his best friend, who then married his mom and raised him as his son.

He is very close to his dad. Said again that he plans to take me to the land where he grew up. Said his dad will be watching and that I would feel his spirit. That his dad would be happy he was with me.

Says he feels he has two men, two fathers in him. He’s pretty sure his biological dad had multiple affairs –not just with his mom. And because he and his dad were sometimes gone a month to Africa or India (his dad worked for some World Wildlife organization) he’ pretty sure his mom and biological dad continued their affair.

He also thinks this because the biological dad came over to ride the horses his parents kept on the property. So his biological dad was always around and his mom was often alone.

His mom did not drive. She was a full-time homemaker.

He said he and his sister (who found him thirteen years ago) compared notes. They realize their parents (all four parents, biological and adopted) made sure he and his sister did not meet each other. Their biological  dad never took Adam’s sister to the “Ranch” where he boarded his horses (and where he saw Adam grow up but never acknowledged that Adam was his biological son) .

It’s not clear to me if his biological father’s wife –the woman who raised his sister and who his sister thought was her real mother– knew that her husband was the father of the daughter they adopted. They already had three sons and I guess the father told his wife that he knew about a baby girl that was up for adoption .

Back in those days people didn’t talk about stuff like this. His sister found out that the woman who raised her was not her biological mother at her mother’s funeral. Some relative told her.

Also, Adam was home-schooled in an era where parents had to get the courts permission. It was highly unusual. He said it was because his mom did not want him getting exposed to bad influences (or something like that) plus his dad wanted to take him along on all his trips for the World Wildlife Organization.

Plus he and his sister suspect the parents were worried they might meet each other at school.

He said he has had some therapy about all this. Said he saw Gregg Churchill and other therapists. Said he went to a men’s gathering at the Ojai Foundation or something to do with Robert Bly. Something about 12-steps. Oh, he does not drink, smoke or do drugs. Not even any social drinking.

He thanked me several times for my letters (emails). Said again that I am a strong woman…something about “you know how to pull the sword…”

He repeated the three words I used in one of my emails to describe him. What did I say? Rude or selfish…hurtful…immature?

This man has had amazing life experiences!

He’s very spiritual. Believes in past lives. He’s not Jewish but attracted to the Kabala and Judaism.

Even though it was cold we walked in the shady area by the side garden, the meditation garden. Everywhere we walked he told me names of every plant and  tree. So romantic. He rubbed some leaves to release the scent and held it under my nose.

Now  I am more used to his looks…very tall…kind of looks like a farmer or a very well self-educated outdoors man type. Very earthy/masculine.

His dad (the adopted dad) was a successful landscaper. He said he plans to ask Krotona who does their gardening. Said he’d like to move back to Ojai.

I told him a little bit about my pattern of moving in with men too quickly.

Amidst all this I heard him make plans for the future. He wants to meet tomorrow. He’s planning  a day to explore the Casitas area and also Upper Ojai –the Happy Valley Land. I’ve been wanting to do that for ages. He likes going to Meditation Mount–all the Ojai power spots.

 He had to leave at 3:30 pm so we only had about two and a half hours. Said he had to get ready go to  the ballet but he added that he wished he didn’t have to go. Said he likes ballet but this is the Nutcracker and he’s seen it many times before. A woman friend’s daughter is in the show and she had an extra ticket.

I told him to feel free to call me anytime – after he said the same thing to me.

We gave each other a long heart to heart good bye hug. And I gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

Oh, one thing that I did not like. I did ask him if he was dating other women. I know he lives alone but I had to ask. He says he does a lot of “social dating.” I don’t really know what that is but next time I see him I’m gonna ask if these women he’s “social dating,” know it’s just a “social date,” or do they think it’s a real date…

Well, dear reader, as you can see, that was a big day in my early days with Adam. I was high as a kite when I came home from Krotona and completely forgot that first dates are like a hallucination.

In the back of my mind I was still a bit worried about this ballet he was going to with some mystery woman, but, that evening, I received an email that helped put my fears to rest.

From: adam1@gmail.com
To: sfrancina@aol.com
Sent: 11/28/2010 Subj: Thank you

My Dear Suza:

  Thank you so much for sharing your beauty and the beauty of Krotona Hill with me today. I left fully inspired. 

I know I have said this to you before, but I really admire the woman that Suza is. Your personal strength, your spirituality, your closeness to nature,your physical beauty, your laughter, your ability to share your feelings — all of this makes me feel humble in your presence.

  Nothing will remove these feelings  and the memories of time we spend together from me.

I enjoy your company. And Krotona Hill was the perfect place to reconnect our spirits. You couldn’t have picked a more beautiful spot in The Ojai.

Stay warm tonight and know that you are inside my loving spirit.

Thank you for accepting my “feather of peace”.

with love,

Adam

I hesitated to share something so personal with Ann but finally the young girl in me just had to tell someone my delicious secret. Before forwarding Adam’s letter, I called and told her about my amazing time at Krotona.

Ann is a bit older and wiser than me.

“Well, “ she said after I told her everything, “It seems there’s hope again. Fascinating!”

Then I said, Ann, he sent me another Letter. I’m afraid to show it to you.You might throw a bucket of cold water on me!

“Oh come on,” she said, “Send it.”

So I did. A few seconds later she wrote back:

 Wow–that’s beautiful. I wouldn’t throw a single drop of cold water on that message. And, as your longtime friend, I feel that he sees you truly and truly appreciates you.

x o x/a

Afrer all that I sent a reply to Adam1@gmail.com

---

From: SFrancina@aol.com
To:adam1@gmail.com
Sent: 11/28/2010 Subj: Thank you too Re: Thank you

   Dear Adam,

  Thank you for your beautiful letter and being so loving and open with me.  It was so sweet to sit with you in the warm sun, on the bench at Krotona Hill, overlooking our beautiful Ojai Valley.

  You are one of the most unique, amazing, interesting men I have ever met — it is a pleasure and kind of a cosmic adventure getting to know you!

  I enjoy your company immensely, and wholeheartedly  agree that Krotona Hill was the perfect place for our spirits to reconnect.

Today I felt very relaxed and happy around you…I love you and appreciate how you are revealing who you are on all levels…physical…psychological…spiritual…

  Your white feather of peace sits here on my desk…

  With love,

  Suza

  I emailed Ann and said I was a bit worried that we were moving too quickly but maybe it was OK because I’d known him back in the 1970’s and we had this whole Ojai history together. It was not like he was some stranger I picked up in a bar. I said I was afraid I was getting too attached.

 

 

Tags: writing yoga facebook memoir lying dating

This entry was posted on April 13, 2011 at 3:34 pm and is filed under dating after midlife, Fishing on Facebook, Yoga Writing Memoir. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.