Suzaji’s Blog

But the part that my feminine mind really zeroed in on was when he said “I would like to take you to the hill my home sat on….”

Adam was taking me home to meet his parents, albeit they were ghosts…

At our Farmer & Cook lunch date,  Adam had confided  how he often goes to the hill where he grew up to commune with the spirit of his  father (the man who raised him, not his biological father).

 Adam had told me how he feels his father’s presence on the land. He also confided how much he missed his mother, who died thirteen yeas ago, just a few weeks before he found out that he had an older sister. (He found out that he had a sister with the same biological parents  because she was searching for her biological mother.)

All of this tugged at my heart.

I had difficulty following the saga of his birth parents, but my heart went out to him.

It was the full moon and that letter put me over the top. Adam’s words were like a powerful aphrodisiac. The hormonal floodgates opened. That evening, as I walked the river bottom with Honey and Nubio, the pendulum of my celibate psyche swung the other way. I hadn’t thought about sex for ages and suddenly it was all I could think about.

 I could feel all my juices flowing. Juicier than I ever felt in my younger years.

I wrote in my journal:

Full Moon Sunday November 21, 2010

All day I hoped Adam would call. Took a walk at sunset and watched the moon rise. I am no longer content to be a nun. I want to be with a man in the worst possible way. Hadn’t he joked about us going for a walk in the full moon at midnight? I can’t stop wishing Adam would call. All my yoga and Krishnamurti philosophy has gone out the window. My nervous system has a mind of its own. I remember how for years when I had my period on the full moon how emotional I’d get. I would cry and cry. And here I am post menopause and nothing has really changed. I feel like crying and crying.

Sex is energy. And now out of the blue, two days prior to the full moon and today on the full moon I can feel the sex centers (mind/heart/sexual organs) reawakening to as yet unfulfilled possibilities.

My juices are flowing. Do not believe those stupid ads for “Female Enhancement” formulas. Real sexual enhancement is self-understanding, self-love, attracting a partner who understands, loves and appreciates your essence and who is madly attracted to you…

Sex is the great illusion, the great trickster and what an illusion it is. I have felt this primal longing many times before. I need to write about this to keep me in reality…

It took all my will power not to call Adam. I could feel the full moon beaming down on me. If he’d called and invited me over I would have hopped in his bed in a heart beat.  I was ready to flee the monastery, run into the bushes and answer the call of the wild.

Twice I called Ann. I reminded myself that I had promised her that if I had an overpowering urge to call Adam I would call her instead. At 9 pm I called again. I told her voice mail “Ann, he still hasn’t called. I can’t take it. I’m going to cry….“

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Monday… Tuesday….Wednesday went by. Not a peep from Adam. True to his word in the Friday email after our lunch “meeting,” Adam was “off  [my] radar screen for a few days. “

I called Ed, a divorced man in his sixties (that seems so young now), who is “in a relationship” with Christine, a Gemini like me. “Ed,” I asked, “When you started dating Christine, how often did you call her? ”

“Suza,” he said, “things have changed. Nobody calls anymore. I hardly ever call her. She’s out of town a lot. We mostly email.”

I told Ed about Adam and that I was hurting because he hadn’t called.

Don’t take it so seriously. Lighten up. Don’t worry. He’ll call or email when he wants to get together again. Just go about your business “

Right.

The giddy excitement I felt on the full moon metamorphosed into a knot of anxiety. I went though the day with pain in my solar plexus. The Goddess Pose gave temporary relief but then the pain came back.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. I told myself Adam was probably having dinner with his long lost sister and her family. Early Thursday morning I checked my email once more. Adam1@gmail.com  lit up the screen. I tried not to get too excited.

Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2010 Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
From: Adam1@gmail.com
To: sfrancina@aol.com

Suza:

    I want to wish you a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday.

  Adam Johnson

That’s all it said.

But the part that hit me in the gut was that he signed it “Adam Johnson.” That sounded so formal after that last friendly letter on Saturday night. Why the hell did he suddenly sign his last name?

I forwarded Ann his email

Subject: Fwd: Happy Thanksgiving

This is all I’ve heard since 11/20–comment to follow 

Then I wrote:

I don’t feel like writing him back. On our lunch he acted like he was crazy about me–just like in his letters…he gave me so many compliments it began to make me uncomfortable…I question his motives… Something is not right with him. And I would not go anywhere alone with him. If he wants to talk…fine…but he would have to initiate it and be prepared to answer some serious questions…

  Ann replied:

“Yeah . . . an odd duck. I don’t like that he signed his full name. I hope you get a chance to ask those serious questions.   x o x x“

I wrote in my journal:

The whole thing is bizarre… I’ll write about it for my therapy. I am still so hopelessly naive and trusting!

I decided to give Adam a taste of his own medicine. I did not respond.

Thursday morning as I was scrubbing yams in my daughter’s kitchen I got really mad. His stupid email was ruining my Thanksgiving. What a jerk.

I went back to my laptop, took off my yoga teacher hat and blasted him:

Adam,  you may want to wish me a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday but your modus operandi toward women is hurtful, selfish and immature.

And before I could change my mind I hit Send Now.

There! I hope it ruins his day!

  I forwarded Ann a copy.

Not realizing that I’d already sent it she wrote back:

The only thing I would change is the word “women.” Because you don’t really know if he treats all women like this. All you know for sure is his attitude toward you.

You could say ” Adam, you may want to wish me a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday but  but your modus operandi toward me has been hurtful, selfish, and immature.”

Anyway, he’ll get the point, I hope.

Good! So long as he got my point. I wasn’t about to send him a corrected copy.

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